Dave gives a ham to an audience member named Bud Perchinski, who later assumes control of one of the cameras. Later, Flea (from Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Jewel Kilcher perform a duet.

Adam Sandler promotes Happy Gilmore; Yankees pitcher David Cone demonstrates ball-handling techniques.

It's the unofficial Three-Year Anniversary. (The count is 90 morning shows, 1810 Late Nights, and 654 Late Shows.) Dave shows some of his favorite clips, then goes door-to-door in New Jersey with Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert and Richard Simmons.

Dave scrambles to find something to fill the extra 16 minutes of his commerical-free show.

Sanborn's still sitting in; Paul appears in a Bob Dole campaign ad; Tom Hanks promotes ""That Thing You Do!""

It's Biff's 50th birthday, so Dave promotes his new PBS political roundtable chatfest, ""The Henderson Group."" Tonight's panelists: Biff, Dave, Paul, and ""outspoken liberal"" Pat Farmer.

Calvert plays Bob Dole's go-between; The Dave Matthews Band performs ""Crash Into Me.""

Referring to a current TV Guide that pays tribute to Dave's Suit of Alka Seltzer from his NBC days, Rupert Jee stands in a bowl of clam chowder.

1996: Dave shows a tape of Bob Dole blinking in the first presidential debate; Michael J. Fox gets a car for high school graduation (he didn't officially graduate until that Spring); the Kinks' Ray Davies performs ""To the Bone.""

Clint Black sits in; the roof cam reveals campaign workers scuffling outside.

Dave searches for a new anchor for CBS-2 New York, and decides on a girl named Donna Hill. She makes several (bogus) news reports throughout the night.

1996: Three audience girls are given hams; Dave shows a (supposed) clip from tonight's Vice Presidential debate; Dave and Marv Albert point out another audience member who happens to be wearing a neckbrace.

During CBS Mailbag, Calvert appears as ""Derek the Cantankerous Wallaby""; guest George Foreman pulls a truck.

Cindy Crawford walks onstage with heavy eye makeup, and Dave asks where she got her black eyes.

Dave shows a poster that proves that Bob Dole's presidential campaign is doomed: ""For The Love of God, Don't Vote for Tubby."" Also, Calvert reports from the Game 1 of the Braves-Yankees World Series, during which he hugs the mayor of Atlanta.

Dave says goodnight halfway through the show and then leaves. Paul goes to search for Dave but gets distracted playing basketball. Dave is finally found guiding planes on the runway at JFK Airport, so Biff calls him via a courtesy phone and tells him to return.

Dave salutes the 1996 World Champion New York Yankees and welcomes manager Joe Torre.

Dave chats with redeemed Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, while Rupert launches the ""Deli of Terror.""

Bill Murray serves as the show's roving reporter, asking pedestrians outside about the upcoming national election. Also, Dave shows off his new, thinner haircut.

In honor of Halloween, Dave presents ""Biff the Headless Stage Manager""; the problem, though, is that Biff is dressed as a Thanksgiving pilgrim.

""Friday Night on the Road"" begins in Beantown, as Michael Hirsch, aka ""The Bar,"" makes his stunning transformation from dorm geek to BMOC.

NYC Marathon winner Giacomo Leone runs through the set, while Mel Gibson presents ""Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear Me, Mel Gibson, Say in a Movie.""

It's the day after Election '96, so Dave tells his last ""Bob Dole is old"" joke. Also, Dave fidgets with his unusually long tie, while Calvert conducts exit polls.

During Mailbag, a viewer pleads for no more Dole jokes, so ""Bob Dole"" (Calvert) appears on stage and sings Lionel Richie's ""Say You, Say Me,"" a pop ditty which includes the immortal lines, ""I had a dream; I had an awesome dream.""

Ten noteworthy anchormen appear in the top ten list while Dave chats with recently denied presidential candidate Bob Dole.

It's the official 3rd Anniversary special, with clips and highlights from the past three seasons.

Biff interrupts Dave's monologue ""just to be on TV;"" Kristen Scott Thomas plugs ‘The English Patient.""

Saxaphonist Joshua Redman sits in; Gene Catron performs a trick involving dominoes and a pool ball; Dave gives out candy.

Dave's artificial tooth comes loose, while Ed McMahon imitates Leonard Tepper's impression of the former ""Tonight Show"" sidekick.

From Chicago: Paul meets his long-lost brother Matt Shaffer on ""Jerry Springer"" just as Dave was going to admit to being a transvestite. Also, Dave introduces ten citizens with distinct names for ""Top Ten Our Favorite Illinois Names."" His choice for #1, Springfield resident Minnie Cocke, has her mug displayed on the United Center jumbotron.

Throughout the night, audience members walk onstage to tell jokes.

Dave calls a desk jockey from across the street named Samantha Giafoni, asking for her opinion about Michael Jackson. After calling her, autumn leaves are dumped in her office.

Glenn Close promotes the live-action remake of ""101 Dalmations.""

When Dave gives a ham to an audience guy, he gives him five more when he says it's going to a senior citizens' group. Soon enough, Biff practically gives him the whole store.

Friday Night on the Road finishes in Miami, Florida. It's so hot in the Coconut Grove Playhouse that Dave strips off his suit and hosts the show in his khakis and t-shirt: ""This is exactly what rehearsal looks like.""

A ""News in Review"" segment is translated into Chinese, while Dave accidentally cuts himself while crawling under his desk.

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, and later he performs with Dolly Parton.

Thanksgiving and the holidays are the topics du jour in the latest edition of ""Dave Talks to Kids.""

Gerard makes a cameo in the annual ""Thanksgiving Day Quiz,"" while Dorothy bakes cherry and hickory nut pies.

After Dave offers a million dollars claiming that there's no such person named Sivareddy Gotike, whose letter was read on the CBS Mailbag the week before, Sivareddy appears on the show to collect. Dave offers him and his friend Srinivas a hotel room, dinner at Tad's, dinner at the 21 Club, two tickets to ""Cats,"" two tickets to a Jets game, a camera, car service, and dates instead.

Biff gives out hams to the audience during the second-ever appearance of ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Martha Stewart shows Dave how to make a scented wreath.

Dave announces he's #45 on TV Guide's greatest stars list; after interviewing Nicole Kidman, Dave is dyspeptic and demands a roll of Tums®; the roof cam reveals Santa dumping a corpse in a garbage disposal.

Dave calls the corner pay phones, but no one answers. He finally steps outside and tells anyone to pick up the phone. After some guy named Phil answers it, Dave has to scream at him to come inside.

1996: Two merchant marines do push-ups onstage; Dave and Paul reprise the roles of their alter egos, Gator and Skunk; Leonard Tepper performs in the Late Show ""kid's nativity play""; Counting Crows appear for the second night in a row.

Skunk and Gator hang out in the green room; Beavis and Butthead plug their upcoming movie; Paul performs an original holiday number.

Somebody named Matias Paluka is interviewed by Dave, then does a weather forecast.

Tony sits in the audience, while Rupert shows Dave a ""Tickle Me Giuliani"" doll.

Mayor Giuliani shows up to put an apple on the Christmas tree, then gets in on a few pictures with Dave, Paul, and two audience members. Also, hockey great Gordie Howe calls Dave.

During a ""New for Christmas"" segment, Biff is nearly injured by a motorized hula hoop; Neve Campbell promotes ""Scream.""

Dave hugs a male audience member; fake snow falls on the backdrop, then on the audience; Darlene Love (featuring Bette Sussman) continues her holiday tradition of singing ""Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).""

Midway through Dave's interview with ""Michael"" star John Travolta, the buxom president of John's fan club gets a hug and an autograph.

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, while Biff gives dating tips.

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier. Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne.

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier; Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne; Biff gets scissors from Dave to get rid of the Cabbage Patch doll chewing on his ear; Kamarr the Discount Magician tries in vain to impress the audience.

Dave introduces an audience member named Tara to Alec Baldwin; Dave shows a drawing of him in a 70's-era leisure suit; from the hit Broadway revival ""Chicago,"" Bebe Neuwirth and Ann Reinking perform ""And All That Jazz.""

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks what Dave did for New Year's. Dave flashes back to a wild night with a bunch of fabulous babes, while Paul brings him back to earth, and Dave flashes back to a night spent at the laundromat drinking Tide.

BB King sits in; Dave accidentally tears up the Top Ten blue card, so he reads the list via teleprompter; Tracey Ullman promotes her new HBO show, ""Tracey Takes On...""

Dave swipes Tony's gum, which he had tried to hide on top of one of the cameras. Also, Rupert of Hello Deli is pitted against Amando of Stage Deli in a little competition called ""The King of Meats."" It was a close battle throughout, but Amando ends up victorious.

Dave fondly looks back at the one-year anniversary of ""El Blizzardo,"" then does a spit take with Windex®. Also, Woody Harrelson plugs hemp products and The People vs. Larry Flint.

Dave sends an audience babe out to get some snow, and throughout the night the show is interrupted by a three-way snowball war between Dave, Inky and Anton.

An audience member celebrating her birthday dances onstage; Inky threatens to throw a rock at Dave; Dave chats with a nine-year-old girl that delivered her baby brother in a stuck elevator; Inky settles his differences and dances with Kim the audience girl.

Dave deems the show to be such a success that he announces the production of four spin-offs, ""Rupert Touches Meat,"" ""Leonard's Candid Camera,"" ""Kenny's Baywatch"" (with the stagehands running in slow motion), and ""Late Show with Carlos Huaycaga.""

It's time for another Late Show experiment: ""Who Will Get Kicked Out of TGIF's Sooner, a Shirtless Guy or a Guy with Ten Dogs?"" Answer: the shirtless guy. Later, Dave instructs Chris from the audience to negotiate with TGIF (where he works), and soon enough, everyone is allowed inside.

Dave shows QVC footage of a Cabbage Patch Bill Clinton doll eating French fries; Actor Chris O'Donnell does a Stupid Human Trick; the drama class from Calhoun High School re-enacts the first half of the show.

Paul shows a clip of his new home video ""The Late Show Made Easy,"" while ""Know Your Cuts of Meat"" makes its debut on ""Know Your Current Events.""

It's an ""All Kevin Spectacular"" as Kevin Kline, Kevin Sorbo, and Kevin Brennan guest on the show. The closing credits on the show include all staffers named Kevin (Kevin Burnett, Kevin Foley, Kevin Gaines, Kevin Mulligan [actually the name of Gerard's son], and so on).

Alan interrupts the monologue to comment on yesterday's Packers-Patriots Super Bowl; an audience member receives Dave's autograph; Calvert reports from New Orleans, where football fans are still celebrating after yesterday's championship.

Biff presides over another segment of ""What They Would Have Had for Lunch If They Were Still Alive."" Tonight, Lorne Greene: ""a BLT."" Also, Tony Williams sits in on drums, while Dave introduces Paul as ""Little Jimmy Dickens.""

Dave calls up an audience guy to meet Tori Amos, but he has to frisk him first.

Dave shows a promo of ""Rupert Jee's Private Parts,"" a spoof of the upcoming Howard Stern movie. Amongst those who participate in this parody are Rupert, Leonard, and ""Paul Shaffer as ‘David Letterman.'""

Dave celebrates a decade and a half in late night television by introducing some of his favorite Stupid Human Tricks. Later, he chats with basketball star Charles Barkley.

In honor of the re-release of the entire Star Wars trilogy, Dave moves his coffee mug with a little help from ""the force""; Billy Bob Thornton promotes his Academy Award-nominated film Sling Blade; the acrobatic Tokyo Stunt Boys bomb in their first (and ultimately only) American television performance.

Flugelhorn great Al Chez sits in with the band, while Leonard appears in a educational film about the First Thanksgiving.

Know Your Current Events: Dave promises an audience participant named Brian (who Dave keeps calling ""Larry"") that if he can kick a field goal outside, he can sit onstage. Brian hits the field goal post at 20 yards and wins his onstage seat.

Mailbag: Paul appears in a commercial for ""Uncle Dave's Non-Alcoholic Gin."" Also, Dave and Green Bay Packers QB Brett Farve throw footballs into cabs, and David Spade promotes his new sitcom, ""Just Shoot Me.""

In a remote featuring Dave talking to various fan club presidents, a swordfight breaks out between the ""Cats"" and ""Star Wars"" fans. Also, Bob Borden professes his love to a disturbed Martha Stewart.

Dave ponders another one of his deep thoughts: ""How Long Can a Guy Spin a Revolving Door Before Somebody Stops Him?"" It takes 40 minutes and 6 seconds before security escorts the man out.

Throughout the night, Biff, Pat and Kenny recreate scenes from Academy Award-nominated films, including ""The English Patient"" and ""Jerry McGuire."" The gag comes to an abrupt end when, while attempting to spoof ""Secrets and Lies,"" they can't find anybody who saw the film.

Dave brags that he had an incredible Valentine's Day last year, until Paul persuades him to admit that he spent it watching TV with an amorous Leonard. Also, the Jazz Passengers (featuring Deborah Harry and Elvis Costello) perform ""Doncha Go 'Way Mad.""

Marv Albert is credited with six seperate appearances tonight, thus raising his total on the show to an even one hundred. Later, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, promotes her new cookbook.

Two weeks before, NBC denied Dave permission to use clips from his old show. So tonight, Tom Brokaw arrives and offers Dave a crumpled-up videotape from Late Night with David Letterman. Also, Dave shows a faux-documentary short called ""Dave's Family Weekend"" (with Andrea as his sister and Leonard as Mr. Rogers).

The outside cam goes to Joe G's to launch production of the quickie movie ""Space Volcano""; Bruce Willis murders Mujibur and Sirajul; Demi Moore shows up with 15 dogs as a gift for Dave, and later the mutts storm the control room.

The latest edition of ""Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video"" takes place entirely at Hello Deli, while ""Cosby"" star Doug E. Doug does standup.

Frequent CBS Mailbag contributor Jerry Scales appears in the audience and is given a roast chicken made of Nyquil. Also, Tony Randall talks about becoming a parent for the first time.

On the three-year anniversary of his memorable first appearance on the Late Show, super-bowler Dick Weber rolls one strike after another out on 53rd Street. Later, he and Bill Cosby go one-on-one on the specially-built lane, with Weber decimating the sitcom star.

James Cotton sits in; while pedestrians footrace against each other over on 54th and Broadway.

Leonard Tepper is live at Madison Square Garden, annoying participants at this year's Grammy Awards. He closes the segment by calling Dave a jackass.

Dave shows outtakes of Leonard's Grammy report, and then gets thrown out of a taping of ""Wheel of Fortune"" by a security guard resembling Bill DeLace.

Trumpeter Al Chez sits in; the ""First Annual Biff Henderson Award"" goes to a much-serving Biff; Randy Newman and Lyle Lovett perform ""You've Got a Friend In Me.""

Dave comments on ""El Blizzardo Diablo,"" a raining snowstorm that practically has New York City in a standstill. Also, Dave and Paul participate in a cutthroat battle of putdowns towards each other.

Dave points out that the wet snow of yesterday's ""El Blizzardo Diablo"" has already melted and/or evaporated. Also, Adam Arkin promotes the upcoming made-for-TV movie Not In This Town.

During ""Rejected Commercial Characters,"" jokes are translated for a select audience onstage from English to Japanese.

Bluesman Keb' Mo sits in; Dave and Paul shill a new sleeping enhancer called EclipseQuil; ""pyrotechnic madman"" Ray Wold blows up stuff and somehow avoids burning himself.

CBS Mailbag: Jerry Scales asks, ""What do viewers miss?"" Gerard Mulligan comes out in costume as ""A 50-year-old guy dressed like Zorro."" Also, The Biff Henderson Players present ""Send in the Clones.""

Sean Pelton sits in for Anton, while Howard Stern promotes his new movie.

The camera fixates on a guy in the audience with a gigantic gut with DAVE written on it. Also, Martin Short does another musical number, with a final note so extended that he leaves the stage, goes to the bank, buys a sandwich at Hello Deli, picks up his dry cleaning, and returns to the theater just in time for the big climax.

The Late Show Current Events Singers take on Clinton's recent leg injury, then performs some sort of a cappella apology to Cindy Crawford.

Today's burning question: ""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Coffee Shop?"" All 23 guys that volunteered get in, and they are later joined by a geeky audience member from Georgia, who is later carried back to the stage by the bunnies.

In honor of his birthday, former president Thomas Jefferson is seen skydiving over the city, followed shortly by William McKinley and Paul Shaffer.

Dave announces that today is Tony Mendez' 60th birthday, even though he's only 52; Dave orders Anton to fetch him some coffee; a man-on-the-street segment dissects tonight's ""Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves.""

Mailbag: Alan has an announcer sitting in with him, only to realize he's not his intern but his willing replacement. Meanwhile, Academy Award winner Billy Bob Thornton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten.

Songwriter Jimmy Webb sits in, and throughout the night the band plays his songs; Dave shows a tape of Rob Burnett's daughter being scared to death by Daddy as the Easter Bunny; Dave tells a story about how he spent his Easter with Nadine Hennelly, but as usual Paul coerces him into telling the sad, awful truth.

Dave calls a pay phone on Broadway, and then calls in a guy from Jersey named Rocky to tell the first ""Mets suck"" joke of the season. Also, Biff gives a pep talk to some grade-school students.

A man claiming to be Paul's brother Kenny sits in the audience, while amateur dentist David Kriuthoff fidgets with a special camera that can go inside the mouth.

""Colin Dunner"" (Gerard), the lead dancer in the Broadway hit ""Riverdance"" promotes his new videotape ""Riverdancin' to the Oldies."" Also, Will Lee demonstrates how to play a guitar like a piano.

Mailbag: a man on the street is decapitated by a giant, renegade blue card. Also, Pat Farmer introduces his new segment ""Live Action Editorial Cartoon."" Tonight's piece: ""Busting the Budget.""

Dave says he's discovered he's been combing his hair wrong, so he fidgets with it throughout the show. Also, Zahshu, the ""World's Only Performing Hippo,"" rolls over and begs.

""How Many Guys in a Bunny Suit Can Get Into H&R Block?"" Only two, until both are kicked out. Right after the first commercial break, Biff then tries to get in wearing a dog suit and, despite being escorted by Bill DeLace, is also ejected. When all is said and done, Dave announces the tax company's new slogan: ""And stay out!""

In a running gag that was started two nights before (in homage to something that appeared occasionally on Late Night), Zahshu, ""The World's Only Performing Goldfish,"" develops a severe case of stage fright. At the end of the show, he is removed from his fishbowl and is placed on top of a skateboard.

Champion weightlifter Magnus Vermagnusson lifts various objects, including Mujibur and Sirajul; Dave comments on his upcoming 50th birthday; Zhushi ""The World's Only Performing Dog"" is the latest animal to stand on stage in lieu of attempting some sort of stunt.

Marv Albert interviews accountants, then shows a blooper real along side it; Dave notices that Tony is holding cue cards with gloves on; ""Pat Farmer's Live-Action Political Cartoon"" takes a swipe at President Clinton.

Dave finds a patron named Bob Reedy, in Joe G's Pizza to star in another fake film epic, the Anaconda spoof ""Snakequest 2000."" Quote Dave: ""For the love of god, it's a giant snake!""

Allen Toussant sits in; Dave announces that in honor of the recent media hoopla over Ellen DeGeneres, the Late Show will now be ""more gay""; Wilco performs ""Someone Else's Song.""

Biff announces that if Lyndon Johnson were alive today, he would've had a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Also, The Verve Pipe performs ""The Freshman.""

On a special Indianapolis-themed night on the Late Show, Dorothy interrupts a comedy bit to give Dave a hug, while Reggie Miller presents the Top Ten.

Rupert Jee drops by to make an important announcement: ""America, I am a lesbian."" This inspires Regis to walk over and give him a hug.

Dave shows a clip from the latest Charlie Brown Special: Charlie Brown declares, ""I think I'm a lesbian."" Also, two dorky audience members help wash a cab outside the theater, then get hosed down by the NYFD.

It's ""Awards Night"" on the Late Show, as throughout the night Biff presents Gordie Howe with the Stanley Cup, Walter Payton with the Super Bowl Trophy, Bobby Allison with the Harley J. Earle Trophy, Kareem Abdul Jabbar with the Larry O'Brien Trophy, Alec Baldwin with the World Series Trophy, and Tony Mendez with the Best Cue Card Boy Trophy. Also, Alec announces on the in-theater PA system that he's a lesbian.

Wendy Liebman discusses mammograms, while Luke Perry rappels off the side of the theater.

In honor of tonight's audience (all residents of St. Louis and its suburbs), the backdrop is altered to show the city's skyline; Dave shows live footage of the Mets/Cardinals game in progress at Shea Stadium; Roseanne arrives for her interview on a Clydesdale-driven sleigh.

Dave dumps the show early yet again, and after searching high and low in Manhattan, Biff finally finds him demonstrating knife tricks at Benihana's.

""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Fountain?"" Only about six, as the men in costume are thrown out of Central Park by the NYPD. After the first commercial break, John Goodman lunges into the fountain. Also, Hanson performs ""MmmBop.""

Tony Mendez does the Watusi; Biff announces that if Burt Lancaster were alive today, he would've had cream of mushroom soup and a tuna fish sandwich for lunch; stuntmen Ross and Elisa Hartzell shoot crossbow arrows at each other.

Rupert stars in a parody of those financial-success tapes that they sell in infomercials, while Kirsten Johnston promotes the 3-D season finale of Third Rock from the Sun.

With tonight's audience being from the Twin Cities, Dave makes them feel at home by having a faux snow fall in the theater. Also, the Top Ten home office is temporarily relocated to nearby Edina, Minnesota (and is presented by Twins great Kirby Puckett), while Calvert takes a tour of Minneapolis.

Tonight, Dave promises to show things that have never been on television before, including Marv Albert dancing with a giant squirrel, a gay man kissing a lesbian, and Biff playing solitaire topless. Also, Grover Washington, Jr. sits in, while Dave and Rupert do another one of their hidden-mic gags.

Dancers from Riverdance make a return appearance on the show. Actually, they're staff writers Gerard Mulligan and Eric Kaplan, Leonard Tepper, and financial wiz/Dave buddy Jim Peterson. Soon after, Robin Williams walks in from Broadway in a similar toe-tappin' style.

In honor of Late Show's 800th episode, Dave introduces ""Where Are They Now?"" pieces describing the whereabouts of Bernie Kopell, Howie Mandel, Olivia Newton-John, and Bill Clinton. Also, the Spice Girls perform ""Who Do You Think You Are.""

Late Show airs its second and last installment of Peanuts, as Lucy once again foils Charlie Brown's attempt to kick a football: ""Never mess around with a gangsta bitch.""

With tonight's audience representing Denver, Colorado, Dave interrupts the monologue to introduce an audience guy who ends up proposing to his girlfriend. Later in the show, Jeff Goldblum gives the happy couple a blender.

Biff brings out a Billy goat that supposedly won the Kentucky Derby last weekend; Dave leaves the show to play for the New York Yankees, then goes on a half-hearted tirade when he's cut by the team; ""Leonard Tepper's Mile-High Hidden Video"" observes unsuspecting tourists at the World Trade Center.

After showing past clips of disastrous attempts at stuffing guys in rabbit outfits inside various locales, Dave announces that it's time to play ""How Many Sailors Can Get into a New York City Chicken Restaurant?"" With the nearby Ranch 1 offering their services, a whopping 68 sailors walk in without a problem. Also, Dave chats with Ida Doggett, 1997 world bed-making champion.

It's time yet again for ""What They Would Have for Lunch if They Were Alive Today"" with Biff Henderson. The celebrity: Dean Martin. The lunch: mac n' cheese.

""Steven Spielberg"" (Gerard) brags out his new movie The Lost World, while Savion Glover performs a tap dance solo from the hit musical ""Stomp.""

Mailbag: a horrific freak accident turns Rupert into the mysterious ""Dr. Meat."" Also, Jason Alexander promotes Love! Valour! Compassion!

Remote on the 14th Floor: Late Show staffers Eric Stangel, Matt Roberts, Bob Borden, Rodney Munoz, Christian Breheney, and Eric Kaplan relate their Prom Nightmares while eating in the coffee room, with dramatizations that include Rupert Jee and Richard Simmons.

Customer Bob Barrett from Joe's Pizza is invited into the theater to act in the monster movie spectacular ""Ghost Dinosaur '97,"" co-starring Mujibur and Sirajul as ""Dinosaur #1"" and ""Dinosaur #2.""

The squash family is represented tonight by a visit from Elaine Cunningham, ""The Zucchini Lady""; Bill Cosby talks about his various medications.

Promoting an upcoming TV special, Farrah Fawcett walks out in a boozy daze, complimenting Dave for the view of the skyline when it's really a backdrop, then crawls around and makes animal noises. At the end of the show, Dave thanks Farrah for ""almost being here tonight.""

Biff reports from the NBA Finals in Salt Lake City; Dave makes his usual joke about buying his first car at Harrison Ford in Indiana; Dave Matthews Band performs ""Too Much.""

Dave shows an altered clip of President Clinton admitting his dislike for cloning, and later Dave is once again visited by ""the lovely Is-a-bella Ros-sell-ini.""

Dave turns the hose on pedestrians outside the theater; Jaleel ""Urkel"" White helps ""Les Moonves"" promote CBS' fall lineup; Seven Mary Three performs ""Lucky.""

Tom Brokaw explains why he turned down an offer to leave NBC for CNN: ""Same as you with CBS: more money, smaller audience."" Also, Sheryl Crow performs ""A Change (Will Do You Good).""

Mailbag: ""Farrah Fawcett"" (Calvert) explains her behavior from last week. Also, Kenny ""The Quick-Witted Stagehand"" Sheehan makes his 1000th TV appearance, which is followed by footage of his (bogus) television debut on Ed Sullivan in 1964.

Paul is introduced as ""Radu,"" then shows Dave a Happy Meal toy that looks just like him. Also, Dave hides in an apartment, harassing delivery people as they come and go.

A new challenge: ""Who Can Hail a Cab First""- a pantsless Mets fan or a pantless Yankees fan? For once, the Mets win the big one.

Dave gives an audience woman a ham just for being Polish; several members of the cast of Cats go inside FlashDancers; Alan Kalter promotes ""Late Show: The Game""; The Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform ""The Impression That I Get.""

Julia Roberts is treated to a clip of her first appearance on Letterman from 1990, only to watch the clip blackened out by NBC. Also, Jon Bon Jovi performs ""Janie, Don't Take Your Love to Town.""

""Riverdancers"" Gerry Mulligan, Mike McIntee, Eric Kaplan, and Jim Peterson amaze and delight the studio audience and the home viewers in response to a letter in the CBS Mailbag.

Anton is introduced as ""Anton Zip""; Dave shows the audience a chart of who's permitted to be on the show and who isn't; in tonight's remote, Dave goes to a private school in Manhattan to chat with child prodigies.

The outside cam heads to Joe G's looking for a guy to write a theme song for, where they stumble across Brian and his girlfriend. Also, Dave takes the audience outside to watch Motley Crue perform on the sidewalk.

It's 91 degrees outside, so Biff decides to watch ice melt on the street.

A flying saucer heckles Dave from the backdrop, while Dyan Cannon promotes Out to Sea and makes friendly with Dave.

Dave declares a guy named Jeff as ""Captain of the Audience,"" helping the host out with menial tasks such as helping present the Top Ten and keeping the audience awake. Also, film director Robert Zemeckis makes a rare television appearance, promoting his new movie Contact.

Bowling great Dick Weber sits in with the band; Calvert kicks someone in the nether regions for the shear fun of it; Dave and Paul trade faces.

Dave gets two girls at a nearby cafe to help celebrate Canada Day with Canada Dry®, which gets delivered by a Mountie; to continue a running gag started the previous night, bowler Johnny Petraglia sits in; various staffers describe clips from America's Funniest Home Videos.

During the ""Supermarket Finds"" segment, Dave takes a sample of something called ""White Fungus"" and spits it out; another bowling great (Marshall Holman) sits in with the band on tambourine; Dave chats with Mitchell Libonati, the man who found the piece of Evander Holyfield's ear that was chewed off in the infamous boxing match that previous weekend; Blur performs ""Song 2.""

Dave talks about the a new unauthorized autobiography of Martha Stewart; tonight's guest bowler is Hall of Famer Carmen Salvino; Dave appears in a 50's-style cigarette ad; Evander Holyfield gives Dave his account of the incident that occurred in his fight last weekend with Mike Tyson.

Pro bowler Nelson Burton, Jr. sits in; during Mailbag, Tom Arnold bits his own ear off; Manny the Hippie resurfaces; for the second year in a row, Dave sends audience members from San Francisco to the Empire State Building to display the US flag.

Dave shows off his new, shorter haircut; an audience member sings the theme song from Grease; Tim Allen presents the Top Ten.

It's a balmy 97 degrees outside, so Biff fries an egg on the sidewalk, later adding bacon and toast.

Dave interviews NYC taxi driver Querbe Tirmizi, who returned $30,000 he found in his cab.

Dave begins a month-long campaign to run into the ground his current favorite phrase: ""Something from the meat case, Linda?"" Also, Dave, Tony Randall, and a dozen or so triple-named child actors star in CBS' hot new situation comedy ""The Letterman Family.""

Dave congratulates Paul on being #6 on the Forbes 500; Biff and Eric Kaplan explain how they make Dave's coffee mug levitate; Sean ""Puff Daddy"" Combs, Faith Evans, and 112 perform ""It's All About the Benjamins.""

It's time once again for ""King of the Meats,"" the mano-a-mano kosher competition between Rupert of Hello Deli and Amando Vasquez of the nearby Stage Deli. Amando sweeps the three rounds, but Rupert goes home with the ladies.

Harrison Ford reports from Hawaii; in the debut edition of ""Pointless Celebrity Cameo Theater,"" Calvert, Regis, and Tony Randall stand around like goons while the audience cheers them on; Radish (a band fronted by an early Ben Kweller) perform ""Little Pink Stars.""

The Harrison Ford World Tour (in which he's promoting The Devil's Own) makes a stop in Paris, France; Dave suggests the Paul legally change his name to ""Radu""; CBS anchorman/folkie at heart Dan Rather sings ""The Wabash Cannonball.""

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" we look into a day in the life of a ""Accident-Prone Blood-Gorged Tick"" (Leonard Tepper).

It's so hot outside that Biff tries to start a fire on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass and a bundle of sticks, as members from New York's Fire Department stand by; Rupert and Leonard bother people per Dave's requests; Jennifer Aniston promotes Picture Perfect.

Dave gets four galpals from West Virginia to go on a tour of the city with Biff; Physilla Rashad promotes her sitcom Cosby; Jamiroquai performs the #1 hit ""Virtual Insanity.""

Dave congratulates Rob Burnett upon the birth of his daughter; a ""What's On Other Channels"" bit is interrupted by a car honking, courtesy of Creepy Dave; David Byrne performs ""Daddy Go Down.""

John Popper sits in with the band; Dave asks a paramedic about a piece of carrot he ""horked"" into his left lung during lunch today; Julia Roberts promotes Conspiracy Theory.

Dave shows some ""Surprising Facts About Celebrities."" Later, Tony Danza promotes his new sitcom.

Dave presents a Wall Street quiz; Bob Dole talks about retirement.

Deliberately-obvious stunt doubles pose as Dave and Paul showing off their bike skills, while Dave carves a sculpture of Paul made from butter; a man claiming to be Garth Brooks is interrogated on ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview.""

Jay Thomas shows Dave a tape of himself spitting out something during a recent television appearance. The footage is repeated several times.

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Biff reports from the Garth Brooks concert in Central Park and meets ""Garth"" himself (Leonard Tepper).

The new sitcom ""The Letterman Family"" is promoted, starring Dave, Tony Randall, and Nadine Hennally. Later, Demi Moore shaves an audience member's head.

Dave feeds Tom Selleck some avocados. Later, they make a crank phone call to Al Roker.

Barbara Walters promotes her new talk show, ""The View.""

Dave compares President Clinton's 51st birthday to meatloaf. Later, he chats with his old friend Jeff Altman.

""The Donald"" talks about a recent boat trip. Later, Janine Turner promotes ""Leave It To Beaver.""

Alicia Silverstone promotes her new movie Excess Baggage.

Dave announces that he is starring in the ""Late Show of Passion,"" which is just like the Late Show, except that it's dubbed so it looks like a telenovela. Later, Dave and Joe Montana throw footballs at a garbage truck.

Tonight's Top Ten is interrupted by a phone call from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska: ""It's not all that funny anymore."" Meanwhile, Biff wreaks havoc in Martha's Vineyard.

Dave complains about the dog days of summer.

Warren is run over by a car; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" Douglas Pierce plays the ""Jeopardy"" theme on his hands; Dave bids a fond farewell to head writer Bill Scheft.